Une réflection

And so it happens.
Graduation, ceremony, parents, friends, pictures, flowers, travelling, blah blah blah.
Suddenly I woke up and found myself back in this part of the world that I had become distant with.
Almost a month now.
And I wanted to say something, some mumblings perhaps, to ask myself if I were happy.
But I failed to enunciate a single syllable.

I have had quite a rough start.
I discovered that I might have a mental defect that I should have been aware of much earlier.
And it's stressing the hell out of me.
My friends are all scoffing at my weakness and I don't want to make a fool of myself.
They also aren't impressed with my plans - I am not doing the one thing I specifically came back for.
All these plans I abandoned - Berlin, my sweet Berlin that I gave up, I gave up for nothing.
So I want to be responsible. I can't come back for nothing.
Even if I fail, I will have already tried my best.
And then I will know I won't have anything to regret.

This boy has a dream to fulfil.
That dream is not going anywhere until I make it happen.

Wish me luck.

My (overdue) $0.02 on the account of my current life and on racism 1/2

I need to think of a better way of starting a blogpost.
That's probably due to the fact that, right now, all I can think of, is I can't believe how long it's been.

But that's fundamentally true.
I really haven't posted a single blog post for almost a year.
My last post was written in the summer of last year on the verge of my returning home for the break.
And now we are on the verge of the break for '16.
Which also clearly indicates the one inevitable thing. Graduation.

I knew all along that this would eventually happen.
When I arrived at Essex in the autumn of '13 after an eventful series of rather unfortunate episodes, I treated my new life with an insurmountable amount of relish.
However deep down I also knew that the day where I ceremoniously bid farewell to this refuge would also be inevitable.
And so happens the inevitable.

Over the course of the past few months, I have had several changes of heart and ultimately I have come to the conclusion that I don't wish to stay in this part of the world.
It came even as a surprise to me.
I have always liked it here.
The values and society norms that I hold very dear to, the sense of diversity and multiculturalism or even the more laid-back approaches towards life have all had tremendous effects on me.
I have changed, I grew up, I learned, occasionally I also cried or broke down, I built myself another life on the side of the ocean.

Yet no matter how promising or how optimistic that seemed, I realised I was in danger of falling into a certain kind of a deluded perception.

As jarring or as un-PC as it would sound, the idea of being completely accepted as a first generation Asian immigrant in a predominantly white country is still by a wide margin an unsubstantiated observation.
Immigrants might look as if they have been accepted, the local population might be all nice and welcoming, however at heart we know that you'll always be the immigrant in a big crowd.

Of course we are far away ahead of the times of blatant racism.
Openly lampooning someone just because they have a different skin colour is no longer cool.
The issue goes far deeper than just outright racism - it's the inherent belief that the other race is intrinsically inferior.
It's such a subconscious thought that many don't even realise they feel this way until upon confrontation.

Now after reeling off all that long subdued idea of mine (cause, you know, it's gonna offend someone if I say it out loud), there are several options lined up for me.
As monstrous as I made it sound it, it would be presumptuous of me to conclude that no one can ever blend in well in this society as a foreigner.
Of course you can. And depending on your definition of "blending in", it might even be just a walk in the park if you don't set your bar too high.
If you don't have any ambitions, just want a nice and comfy job and live the rest of your life relaxedly, then sure, that's doable.
However if you don't want a nice and simple life and instead you desire something bigger, or if you have career goals to achieve, then you will always a barrier in front of you.
In my defence, it is still not entirely out of the question, but the stakes will most definitely be much higher.

 to be continued.

絕望 Despair

睜開眼睛 我看不見光明
閉上眼睛 我看不見黑暗
此時此刻
內心裡 點點滴滴的慌張
就快滲透出來
把我逼得喘不過氣

這不是充滿希望的季節嗎
可是當我看見一雙猙獰的眼睛盯著我看
我還是那麼的恐懼 那麼的不安
為什麼 這個時候
連費盡心血都覺得徒勞無功

天空很藍 那又怎麼樣
滿腔熱血 早已乾枯褪色
如果往後退一步 低下頭
就能輕易發現 所謂的夢想
已經被踐踏得毫無價值 在草地上
像個皮球被人踢向無邊無際的遠方

最後的最後 原來
沒有任何東西是想像中的那麼重要
我只好抱著我顫抖著的靈魂
靜靜地在一旁看著人們死去
最終輪到自己

I open my eyes but I don't see light
I close my eyes but I don't see darkness
Right at this moment
The anxiety in the deepest part of my heart moving around
Trying to escape from my body
And to strangle me effortlessly

I wonder if the season of hope has arrived
But when I see a pair of hideous eyes staring at me
I am still terrified and disturbed
Why is it that right now
Anymore effort feels just like a desperate attempt towards the inevitable futility

The blue sky doesn't mean anything
The ardour and passion have died out and faded
If I take a step back and look down
I can see all those aspirations
Like they have been flushed down in the toilet
Lying on the field
And kicked away to somewhere far away like a ball

At the very last page of the story
I realise nothing really matters that much
So I have to hold my shivering soul tight
And watch people die one by one silently
And eventually my turn