And so it happens.
Graduation, ceremony, parents, friends, pictures, flowers, travelling, blah blah blah.
Suddenly I woke up and found myself back in this part of the world that I had become distant with.
Almost a month now.
And I wanted to say something, some mumblings perhaps, to ask myself if I were happy.
But I failed to enunciate a single syllable.
I have had quite a rough start.
I discovered that I might have a mental defect that I should have been aware of much earlier.
And it's stressing the hell out of me.
My friends are all scoffing at my weakness and I don't want to make a fool of myself.
They also aren't impressed with my plans - I am not doing the one thing I specifically came back for.
All these plans I abandoned - Berlin, my sweet Berlin that I gave up, I gave up for nothing.
So I want to be responsible. I can't come back for nothing.
Even if I fail, I will have already tried my best.
And then I will know I won't have anything to regret.
This boy has a dream to fulfil.
That dream is not going anywhere until I make it happen.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Thursday, June 2, 2016
My (overdue) $0.02 on the account of my current life and on racism 1/2
I need to think of a better way of starting a blogpost.
That's probably due to the fact that, right now, all I can think of, is I can't believe how long it's been.
But that's fundamentally true.
I really haven't posted a single blog post for almost a year.
My last post was written in the summer of last year on the verge of my returning home for the break.
And now we are on the verge of the break for '16.
Which also clearly indicates the one inevitable thing. Graduation.
I knew all along that this would eventually happen.
When I arrived at Essex in the autumn of '13 after an eventful series of rather unfortunate episodes, I treated my new life with an insurmountable amount of relish.
However deep down I also knew that the day where I ceremoniously bid farewell to this refuge would also be inevitable.
And so happens the inevitable.
Over the course of the past few months, I have had several changes of heart and ultimately I have come to the conclusion that I don't wish to stay in this part of the world.
It came even as a surprise to me.
I have always liked it here.
The values and society norms that I hold very dear to, the sense of diversity and multiculturalism or even the more laid-back approaches towards life have all had tremendous effects on me.
I have changed, I grew up, I learned, occasionally I also cried or broke down, I built myself another life on the side of the ocean.
Yet no matter how promising or how optimistic that seemed, I realised I was in danger of falling into a certain kind of a deluded perception.
As jarring or as un-PC as it would sound, the idea of being completely accepted as a first generation Asian immigrant in a predominantly white country is still by a wide margin an unsubstantiated observation.
Immigrants might look as if they have been accepted, the local population might be all nice and welcoming, however at heart we know that you'll always be the immigrant in a big crowd.
Of course we are far away ahead of the times of blatant racism.
Openly lampooning someone just because they have a different skin colour is no longer cool.
The issue goes far deeper than just outright racism - it's the inherent belief that the other race is intrinsically inferior.
It's such a subconscious thought that many don't even realise they feel this way until upon confrontation.
Now after reeling off all that long subdued idea of mine (cause, you know, it's gonna offend someone if I say it out loud), there are several options lined up for me.
As monstrous as I made it sound it, it would be presumptuous of me to conclude that no one can ever blend in well in this society as a foreigner.
Of course you can. And depending on your definition of "blending in", it might even be just a walk in the park if you don't set your bar too high.
If you don't have any ambitions, just want a nice and comfy job and live the rest of your life relaxedly, then sure, that's doable.
However if you don't want a nice and simple life and instead you desire something bigger, or if you have career goals to achieve, then you will always a barrier in front of you.
In my defence, it is still not entirely out of the question, but the stakes will most definitely be much higher.
to be continued.
That's probably due to the fact that, right now, all I can think of, is I can't believe how long it's been.
But that's fundamentally true.
I really haven't posted a single blog post for almost a year.
My last post was written in the summer of last year on the verge of my returning home for the break.
And now we are on the verge of the break for '16.
Which also clearly indicates the one inevitable thing. Graduation.
I knew all along that this would eventually happen.
When I arrived at Essex in the autumn of '13 after an eventful series of rather unfortunate episodes, I treated my new life with an insurmountable amount of relish.
However deep down I also knew that the day where I ceremoniously bid farewell to this refuge would also be inevitable.
And so happens the inevitable.
Over the course of the past few months, I have had several changes of heart and ultimately I have come to the conclusion that I don't wish to stay in this part of the world.
It came even as a surprise to me.
I have always liked it here.
The values and society norms that I hold very dear to, the sense of diversity and multiculturalism or even the more laid-back approaches towards life have all had tremendous effects on me.
I have changed, I grew up, I learned, occasionally I also cried or broke down, I built myself another life on the side of the ocean.
Yet no matter how promising or how optimistic that seemed, I realised I was in danger of falling into a certain kind of a deluded perception.
As jarring or as un-PC as it would sound, the idea of being completely accepted as a first generation Asian immigrant in a predominantly white country is still by a wide margin an unsubstantiated observation.
Immigrants might look as if they have been accepted, the local population might be all nice and welcoming, however at heart we know that you'll always be the immigrant in a big crowd.
Of course we are far away ahead of the times of blatant racism.
Openly lampooning someone just because they have a different skin colour is no longer cool.
The issue goes far deeper than just outright racism - it's the inherent belief that the other race is intrinsically inferior.
It's such a subconscious thought that many don't even realise they feel this way until upon confrontation.
Now after reeling off all that long subdued idea of mine (cause, you know, it's gonna offend someone if I say it out loud), there are several options lined up for me.
As monstrous as I made it sound it, it would be presumptuous of me to conclude that no one can ever blend in well in this society as a foreigner.
Of course you can. And depending on your definition of "blending in", it might even be just a walk in the park if you don't set your bar too high.
If you don't have any ambitions, just want a nice and comfy job and live the rest of your life relaxedly, then sure, that's doable.
However if you don't want a nice and simple life and instead you desire something bigger, or if you have career goals to achieve, then you will always a barrier in front of you.
In my defence, it is still not entirely out of the question, but the stakes will most definitely be much higher.
to be continued.
Friday, April 10, 2015
絕望 Despair
睜開眼睛 我看不見光明
閉上眼睛 我看不見黑暗
此時此刻
內心裡 點點滴滴的慌張
就快滲透出來
把我逼得喘不過氣
這不是充滿希望的季節嗎
可是當我看見一雙猙獰的眼睛盯著我看
我還是那麼的恐懼 那麼的不安
為什麼 這個時候
連費盡心血都覺得徒勞無功
天空很藍 那又怎麼樣
滿腔熱血 早已乾枯褪色
如果往後退一步 低下頭
就能輕易發現 所謂的夢想
已經被踐踏得毫無價值 在草地上
像個皮球被人踢向無邊無際的遠方
最後的最後 原來
沒有任何東西是想像中的那麼重要
我只好抱著我顫抖著的靈魂
靜靜地在一旁看著人們死去
最終輪到自己
I open my eyes but I don't see light
I close my eyes but I don't see darkness
Right at this moment
The anxiety in the deepest part of my heart moving around
Trying to escape from my body
And to strangle me effortlessly
I wonder if the season of hope has arrived
But when I see a pair of hideous eyes staring at me
I am still terrified and disturbed
Why is it that right now
Anymore effort feels just like a desperate attempt towards the inevitable futility
At the very last page of the story
I realise nothing really matters that much
So I have to hold my shivering soul tight
And watch people die one by one silently
And eventually my turn
閉上眼睛 我看不見黑暗
此時此刻
內心裡 點點滴滴的慌張
就快滲透出來
把我逼得喘不過氣
這不是充滿希望的季節嗎
可是當我看見一雙猙獰的眼睛盯著我看
我還是那麼的恐懼 那麼的不安
為什麼 這個時候
連費盡心血都覺得徒勞無功
天空很藍 那又怎麼樣
滿腔熱血 早已乾枯褪色
如果往後退一步 低下頭
就能輕易發現 所謂的夢想
已經被踐踏得毫無價值 在草地上
像個皮球被人踢向無邊無際的遠方
最後的最後 原來
沒有任何東西是想像中的那麼重要
我只好抱著我顫抖著的靈魂
靜靜地在一旁看著人們死去
最終輪到自己
I open my eyes but I don't see light
I close my eyes but I don't see darkness
Right at this moment
The anxiety in the deepest part of my heart moving around
Trying to escape from my body
And to strangle me effortlessly
I wonder if the season of hope has arrived
But when I see a pair of hideous eyes staring at me
I am still terrified and disturbed
Why is it that right now
Anymore effort feels just like a desperate attempt towards the inevitable futility
The blue sky doesn't mean anything
The ardour and passion have died out and faded
If I take a step back and look down
I can see all those aspirations
Like they have been flushed down in the toilet
Lying on the field
And kicked away to somewhere far away like a ball
The ardour and passion have died out and faded
If I take a step back and look down
I can see all those aspirations
Like they have been flushed down in the toilet
Lying on the field
And kicked away to somewhere far away like a ball
I realise nothing really matters that much
So I have to hold my shivering soul tight
And watch people die one by one silently
And eventually my turn
Friday, January 30, 2015
Hello, 2015!
I know I have said this far too many times, but I really have to say it again:
I can't believe how quickly time has passed.
I mean, it's already nearly the end of January 2015. This term will finish in a little less than two months.
After that it's a month of mysteriously hasty Easter break, then a couple of exams and then..
Suddenly we will be done for the year!
I am saying this from my experience from last year, it was all over in almost a flash.
Well, to sum up this few months, except for the busy life that I have to deal with, I have been quite fine.
My frontrunner placement at the Communications office has been great, learned so many things and gained a lot of experiences. Can't believe I am half way through my placement, feels like I just started last week.
Also I went to Spain and Germany over the Christmas break, visited Marta, Miquel in Spain and Sasha in Germany. If not for the sick in the last few days it would have been perfect. Eventually I went to 15 cities in 16 days, and at any point I didn't rush for even a bit. However I suppose I might not have to visit Spain for the rest of this decade. :) Now I can confirm that Barcelona and Berlin are contenders for my favourite European city, with the latter possibly squeezing down the other when I revisit (and maybe stay for a month) in the Summer.
So to sum out how busy I am, I currently have five responsibilities - Communications frontrunner at the Department of Communications and External Relations, president (and founder) of Multilingual Society, Student Ambassador at the Department of Language and Linguistics, Course Rep at the SU and all these while doing a degree in which I study three languages.
Honestly, as this year will be over very quickly, I will have one more year at uni and I will probably be left to my own devices. Can't say I am not scared - I really want to do my best to prepare for the future.
But who knows, Dios sabe lo que hace.
Quoi qu'il arrive, j'espère que l'avenir ne me déçoit pas.
Guten Rutsch!
I can't believe how quickly time has passed.
I mean, it's already nearly the end of January 2015. This term will finish in a little less than two months.
After that it's a month of mysteriously hasty Easter break, then a couple of exams and then..
Suddenly we will be done for the year!
I am saying this from my experience from last year, it was all over in almost a flash.
Well, to sum up this few months, except for the busy life that I have to deal with, I have been quite fine.
My frontrunner placement at the Communications office has been great, learned so many things and gained a lot of experiences. Can't believe I am half way through my placement, feels like I just started last week.
Also I went to Spain and Germany over the Christmas break, visited Marta, Miquel in Spain and Sasha in Germany. If not for the sick in the last few days it would have been perfect. Eventually I went to 15 cities in 16 days, and at any point I didn't rush for even a bit. However I suppose I might not have to visit Spain for the rest of this decade. :) Now I can confirm that Barcelona and Berlin are contenders for my favourite European city, with the latter possibly squeezing down the other when I revisit (and maybe stay for a month) in the Summer.
So to sum out how busy I am, I currently have five responsibilities - Communications frontrunner at the Department of Communications and External Relations, president (and founder) of Multilingual Society, Student Ambassador at the Department of Language and Linguistics, Course Rep at the SU and all these while doing a degree in which I study three languages.
Honestly, as this year will be over very quickly, I will have one more year at uni and I will probably be left to my own devices. Can't say I am not scared - I really want to do my best to prepare for the future.
But who knows, Dios sabe lo que hace.
Quoi qu'il arrive, j'espère que l'avenir ne me déçoit pas.
Guten Rutsch!
Friday, October 31, 2014
Can you imagine it's already half term
I can still vividly remember, the day I was about to fly back to England. After three months of summer at home, comfortably, doing nothing, I was so worried that I might have a hard time adapting back to university life. At the airport I felt so strange to have to leave home again even though it was not the first time I did so, especially knowing that the condition with mum’s legs has gotten so much worse. Never had I felt so emotional before, so bothered and concerned about my parents. There was, for the first time, a slight fear of homesickness intruding me.However all of my worries and fears have been proven futile. I instantly got back into uni mode the second I arrived, handling accommodation, meeting friends, making new friends, changing modules and going to lectures. Even I was surprised by the comfortability and the familiarity I felt with everything. It came almost instantly.
Just before I started realise, it’s already week five and reading week for German modules. Next week it would be reading week for all other modules. I started working at the Communications department and the first day I went to work they told me it’s half term so there wasn’t a lot of people in the office. Half term. That means we have one and a half term more and this year will be gone in no time. You know if you sit down properly and count the days passed you’ll be scared to know that it passed so quickly.
I did meet quite a lot of new friends, some of them are really cool and nice. But I’m still looking for that one person, who seems to be absent from my life at the moment. 大王老師 read my palms before I left and told me twice about meeting someone in one of the activities that would happen in uni. I might be too dumb or that would be inaccurate because I still haven't seen a single soul of that someone that I would meet. Where are you? Please, I don't bite.
其實真的很難判斷到底是誰。我要怎麽看得出來啊拜托。
I am also trying to go to Germany this Christmas break to work as a helpx work but still no luck in finding a host so far. I really hope I could find someone before the break - if not I really don't know what I should do.
Finishing with this song.
Just before I started realise, it’s already week five and reading week for German modules. Next week it would be reading week for all other modules. I started working at the Communications department and the first day I went to work they told me it’s half term so there wasn’t a lot of people in the office. Half term. That means we have one and a half term more and this year will be gone in no time. You know if you sit down properly and count the days passed you’ll be scared to know that it passed so quickly.
I did meet quite a lot of new friends, some of them are really cool and nice. But I’m still looking for that one person, who seems to be absent from my life at the moment. 大王老師 read my palms before I left and told me twice about meeting someone in one of the activities that would happen in uni. I might be too dumb or that would be inaccurate because I still haven't seen a single soul of that someone that I would meet. Where are you? Please, I don't bite.
其實真的很難判斷到底是誰。我要怎麽看得出來啊拜托。
I am also trying to go to Germany this Christmas break to work as a helpx work but still no luck in finding a host so far. I really hope I could find someone before the break - if not I really don't know what I should do.
Finishing with this song.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Almost a Month Back in Essex
I really shouldn't be writing this now.
I have to read more than 60 pages of Le passager de la pluie, a story about a woman who got raped in a southern France small holiday resort in autumn. I think I am on page 24. Also I have to do two French listening exercises, prepare a Spanish essay test for next week, and finish the German model particles (or whatever it is) exercises. In short, I have A LOT to do.
Last year, being a first year Modern Languages student, I kinda slacked a lot. My modules were not particularly difficult, they weren't demanding and I didn't really have to do a lot to be able to cope up with my lessons - I even got a first in the finals and got into the Dean's List. I spent a lot of my time doing (voluntarily) work for Model UN society, where I was the fundraising and volunteering officer.
But it all has changed completely. This year I am challenging myself so I took tests and jumped a level in German and two levels in Spanish, doing all three languages in Advanced level. I leave every class with more than 20 vocabularies that I should have memorised in the evening of every day but so far I have successfully memorised 0 words. I'm also starting my frontrunner placement at the Communications department next Monday while preparing to start a new society. Therefore I can safely assume that I will be very busy all year long this year. However I am enjoying the huge load of work on me. It feels good when you put in a lot of effort into organising every day and really feel that you are actually learning things throughout the week. This degree is not for nothing.
Tomorrow will mark the one-month period since I came back to Essex. A lot has happened. I went to Paris for Yunni's wedding, became friends with new people, became acquaintances with old friends and also started trying out new societies, even sports clubs!
The only thing that I still don't get very used to is the fact that we now live in the Quays which is 15 minutes away from central campus with a very unreliable bus service. But there's a silver lining - I know someone almost on every floor of my building, everyone just sort of lives in House 5. Other than that I have fully pulled myself back together, attending all classes (14 hours a week) and cooking (pasta and some other easy food) and even started jogging (when I feel like doing).
To second year!
I have to read more than 60 pages of Le passager de la pluie, a story about a woman who got raped in a southern France small holiday resort in autumn. I think I am on page 24. Also I have to do two French listening exercises, prepare a Spanish essay test for next week, and finish the German model particles (or whatever it is) exercises. In short, I have A LOT to do.
Last year, being a first year Modern Languages student, I kinda slacked a lot. My modules were not particularly difficult, they weren't demanding and I didn't really have to do a lot to be able to cope up with my lessons - I even got a first in the finals and got into the Dean's List. I spent a lot of my time doing (voluntarily) work for Model UN society, where I was the fundraising and volunteering officer.
But it all has changed completely. This year I am challenging myself so I took tests and jumped a level in German and two levels in Spanish, doing all three languages in Advanced level. I leave every class with more than 20 vocabularies that I should have memorised in the evening of every day but so far I have successfully memorised 0 words. I'm also starting my frontrunner placement at the Communications department next Monday while preparing to start a new society. Therefore I can safely assume that I will be very busy all year long this year. However I am enjoying the huge load of work on me. It feels good when you put in a lot of effort into organising every day and really feel that you are actually learning things throughout the week. This degree is not for nothing.
Tomorrow will mark the one-month period since I came back to Essex. A lot has happened. I went to Paris for Yunni's wedding, became friends with new people, became acquaintances with old friends and also started trying out new societies, even sports clubs!
The only thing that I still don't get very used to is the fact that we now live in the Quays which is 15 minutes away from central campus with a very unreliable bus service. But there's a silver lining - I know someone almost on every floor of my building, everyone just sort of lives in House 5. Other than that I have fully pulled myself back together, attending all classes (14 hours a week) and cooking (pasta and some other easy food) and even started jogging (when I feel like doing).
To second year!
Sunday, July 27, 2014
The End of 2013/14
It's been ages. I know that. I just thought it's time I came back and wrote something off my mind.
Not intended for any audiences or for any entertainment purposes. Just an honest review of my version of events.
It's been a long and complicated year full of plot-twists, laughter and tears.
I started off as a rookie first year student transferred from another university and it actually went quite well.
I was so scared at the beginning that I might have made an impulsive decision, I should admit.
That was a very difficult moment in a very difficult period of my life so I took a shot in the dark.
When I came back to England last September I had this strange feeling of familiarity mixed with bits and pieces of hopefulness and despair.
I could have made another wrong choice, just as I have done - several times - in the past few years.
I am just glad it turned out to be quite fantastic!
Now that I look back where I started, I did have a tough time at the beginning, kick-started by the accommodation office and orchestrated by a guy who I would never see and talk to again for the rest of the year.
It was a long story which completely got on my nerves and haunted my- for days!
It all looked very unbelievable and stupid now.
The rest was just the normal stuff - lectures, making friends, societies etc.
I did make some true friends - and some fake friends obviously.
I later on had a position at one of my societies and enjoyed thoroughly. Thank you Model UN!
Went to Belgium, Spain and Germany, Liverpool and York etc. All those trips were amazing.
I even thought I fell in love, but really I was just being imaginative - and melancholic maybe.
Anyway, I am enjoying summer back in Malaysia and that's what I have called it a year!
Not intended for any audiences or for any entertainment purposes. Just an honest review of my version of events.
It's been a long and complicated year full of plot-twists, laughter and tears.
I started off as a rookie first year student transferred from another university and it actually went quite well.
I was so scared at the beginning that I might have made an impulsive decision, I should admit.
That was a very difficult moment in a very difficult period of my life so I took a shot in the dark.
When I came back to England last September I had this strange feeling of familiarity mixed with bits and pieces of hopefulness and despair.
I could have made another wrong choice, just as I have done - several times - in the past few years.
I am just glad it turned out to be quite fantastic!
Now that I look back where I started, I did have a tough time at the beginning, kick-started by the accommodation office and orchestrated by a guy who I would never see and talk to again for the rest of the year.
It was a long story which completely got on my nerves and haunted my- for days!
It all looked very unbelievable and stupid now.
The rest was just the normal stuff - lectures, making friends, societies etc.
I did make some true friends - and some fake friends obviously.
I later on had a position at one of my societies and enjoyed thoroughly. Thank you Model UN!
Went to Belgium, Spain and Germany, Liverpool and York etc. All those trips were amazing.
I even thought I fell in love, but really I was just being imaginative - and melancholic maybe.
Anyway, I am enjoying summer back in Malaysia and that's what I have called it a year!
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Of Future And The Life I Want
I keep hypnotizing myself that this is still far away.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I don't even want to be reminded of it.
Sometimes we don't get to make all the decisions and I have just painfully realized that.
I might be too old to be naive, but I still have dreams and hopes.
Not actually knowing what I want to do in the future, I am always confused.
Do I want to live the life designed by some other people?
Will I enjoy what I do if I go on the path laid out by others?
I don't really have answers for them now.
I have always imagined that everything will be sorted out when the right time comes.
It has become clear that this unfortunately is not the case.
To be completely fair and honest, I still need to figure out a lot of things.
Sometimes I just don't know how I should face everything when I no longer have any excuses.
I am going back home this summer and trying to silently figure out the answers to all of these.
It's true that Asian stereotypes are still going high and strong - your life is not just yours.
It's also your dad's, your mum's, you are sharing your life with your whole family.
You have to take into account their willingness and their opinions when you make decision.
Will I live the life I want (but still don't know yet)? Honestly, not really.
Will I live the life others want (maybe I will like it too)? Quite possibly.
I can't believe I am turning 21 really soon.
I better put my shit together and not disappoint anyone in my life.
Good luck.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I don't even want to be reminded of it.
Sometimes we don't get to make all the decisions and I have just painfully realized that.
I might be too old to be naive, but I still have dreams and hopes.
Not actually knowing what I want to do in the future, I am always confused.
Do I want to live the life designed by some other people?
Will I enjoy what I do if I go on the path laid out by others?
I don't really have answers for them now.
I have always imagined that everything will be sorted out when the right time comes.
It has become clear that this unfortunately is not the case.
To be completely fair and honest, I still need to figure out a lot of things.
Sometimes I just don't know how I should face everything when I no longer have any excuses.
I am going back home this summer and trying to silently figure out the answers to all of these.
It's true that Asian stereotypes are still going high and strong - your life is not just yours.
It's also your dad's, your mum's, you are sharing your life with your whole family.
You have to take into account their willingness and their opinions when you make decision.
Will I live the life I want (but still don't know yet)? Honestly, not really.
Will I live the life others want (maybe I will like it too)? Quite possibly.
I can't believe I am turning 21 really soon.
I better put my shit together and not disappoint anyone in my life.
Good luck.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
This Feeling
I am not myself lately.
I don't sleep well at night, I wake up feeling fragmented in the morning.
I don't eat well and don't feel like doing anything.
I screwed up my German and Italian tests because I was too distracted to revise.
I am emotionless most of the time.
I don't really want to let this qualm continue to upset me.
I just couldn't help but feel that way.
The feeling that a part of me nearly died and everything just doesn't matter anymore.
I wish I could stop putting on smiles around people just to stop them from worrying about me.
(or maybe no one actually cares.)
I feel vulnerable, and I don't like it that way.
This feeling is virulent.
It eats you, until you're not you anymore.
Until you're lost, until you don't remember who you were,
until you forget yourself, and all you can see, is the greater good.
I am really afraid right now.
I don't sleep well at night, I wake up feeling fragmented in the morning.
I don't eat well and don't feel like doing anything.
I screwed up my German and Italian tests because I was too distracted to revise.
I am emotionless most of the time.
I don't really want to let this qualm continue to upset me.
I just couldn't help but feel that way.
The feeling that a part of me nearly died and everything just doesn't matter anymore.
I wish I could stop putting on smiles around people just to stop them from worrying about me.
(or maybe no one actually cares.)
I feel vulnerable, and I don't like it that way.
This feeling is virulent.
It eats you, until you're not you anymore.
Until you're lost, until you don't remember who you were,
until you forget yourself, and all you can see, is the greater good.
I am really afraid right now.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
2014
This is happening far quicker than I have ever expected. Unconsciously I have been unknowingly progressing into my third week of the year of 2014.
I can't believe it. I can't believe this is 2014. I can't believe I'm turning 21 this April. I can't believe a lot of things.
I have a lot of questions I don't have answers to.
What should I do?
A few days before new year began, I made a lot of promises to myself and made a lot of big plans just like every other year. I thought I could make a difference this time. Given that what I have been through, all those choices I made, those mistakes I committed and those time I wasted, I thought I would be wiser this time, would be more responsible this time.
But I am not really sure about that right now.
I am in the university studying a degree I have no concrete idea what I can use it for. The only thing is - I like it a lot. I like what I am doing and enjoy studying it.
I am financially very dependent - in fact I've never been able to support myself financially throughout my entire 20 years of life - what a shame.
I have no idea about my future. This doesn't sound right and I don't like the feeling of it.
I stopped blogging just a few weeks right after I restarted blogging, I stopped doing weekly budgets on my spending just a few weeks after I started doing it, I am not a very patient man and I understand that very well. This, however, is going to destroy me. I know that quite well too.
I might have been one of those smart kids in high school, being seen as a leader, socially active blah blah blah. But now, I am just a quirky weirdo who minds his own business.
From here onward there will be no walking in the park. I have been shouting to myself trying pull myself back together.
What will happen? No idea. Let's see!
Happy new year!
I can't believe it. I can't believe this is 2014. I can't believe I'm turning 21 this April. I can't believe a lot of things.
I have a lot of questions I don't have answers to.
What should I do?
A few days before new year began, I made a lot of promises to myself and made a lot of big plans just like every other year. I thought I could make a difference this time. Given that what I have been through, all those choices I made, those mistakes I committed and those time I wasted, I thought I would be wiser this time, would be more responsible this time.
But I am not really sure about that right now.
I am in the university studying a degree I have no concrete idea what I can use it for. The only thing is - I like it a lot. I like what I am doing and enjoy studying it.
I am financially very dependent - in fact I've never been able to support myself financially throughout my entire 20 years of life - what a shame.
I have no idea about my future. This doesn't sound right and I don't like the feeling of it.
I stopped blogging just a few weeks right after I restarted blogging, I stopped doing weekly budgets on my spending just a few weeks after I started doing it, I am not a very patient man and I understand that very well. This, however, is going to destroy me. I know that quite well too.
I might have been one of those smart kids in high school, being seen as a leader, socially active blah blah blah. But now, I am just a quirky weirdo who minds his own business.
From here onward there will be no walking in the park. I have been shouting to myself trying pull myself back together.
What will happen? No idea. Let's see!
Happy new year!
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Two Months in a Nutshell
As hard as I've been trying to remember what I have been doing for the past (nearly) two months since I got here, I still couldn't remember every bit of it. I am trying my best to tell you as much as I could remember.
On 29th September, I arrived in Heathrow after my horribly long flight at around 7.30am, went through the immigration customs and got my luggage at 8.30am, rushed to another terminal to catch the coach to the university which was supposed to leave at 9am but delayed (for almost 2 hours...)
And there started my new life.
And there started my new life.
EY411 from KUL to AUH, the very beginning of my journey
We arrived at the campus after almost three hours on the coach. But there was a problem. My accommodation is in the south of the campus, but we were dropped off at the north entrance of the campus. So that was a pretty good walk through all those steps with my lovely luggage, couldn't really say I like my first impression of the campus!
The campus! We walked from the entrance north of the four towers to the big circle down south
I went to London on the third weekend to visit Dahlia, an old friend from last year whom I haven't met for almost a year. It's been quite a while since I leave London, and couldn't really tell how much I have missed Metropolitan Line, Tottenham Court Road, or even Pret a manger. We went to a lot of places, had a lot of fun and I will definitely go visit her again (and again!)
I missed London and my old friend so much we had an awesome day in the capital
I've also joined some of the societies in the university, the one I like the most being the Model United Nations where basically a bunch of people represent different countries to discuss different topics about global issues every week. Quite a lot of people have asked me about this, I will probably write about this in details soon. I so far have enjoyed the debate and thought that it is fun and interesting to be able to represent a country and argue (or fight) with other countries. (Looking at you, Democratic People's Republic of Korea!)
This was the Mini-MUNEX conference where we discussed about international food security
With the Model United Nations Society I also went to Oxford for the Oxford International Model United Nations conference organised by the University of Oxford, where I represented El Salvador in the committee of Organization of American States. We had a lot of interesting intensive and exciting discussions about drug trafficking and sex trade in Latin America. That was my first MUN conference and I would say I learned a lot of things, gained some valuable experience and also made some friends!
The wonderful committee of Organization of American States
I am really happy that I have luckily made some friends here already and we spent time together doing silly stuff, talk about languages and shit. Sometimes we do have some quality wonderful activities, like we managed to have a hot pot night successfully (after some one-month of prep time) and invited people from all over the world. (exaggeration intended) I'm proud of ourselves, and I say we are actually quite awesome.
The hot pot night with the guys
There's still so much more I want to write about and so many more photos I want to share but I think I will just stop here for this time. Stay tuned if you're interested in my upcoming posts! See you soon.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
I'm Back
Don't ask me what I have been doing for the past 10 months, believe me, you don't want to know. But here I am, blogging on my laptop in my uni dorm room, far away in Essex, England, trying to tell you what's going on in my life.
Yes, I first came to England last September, studying at a university in London. However it turned out to be a wrong decision, so I struggled through it, went back home for a couple of months, and came back to England again. And yeah, now a proud Modern Languages student at the University of Essex.
So how is it? Do I like it here? Will this turn out to be a wrong decision (again)?
It is amazing! Yes I like it here and no, I am pretty sure that this is not a wrong decision.
Some of my friends know what I have been through throughout this year and they told me I was crazy. Or worse, I was called a liar once. But now that I've moved on, I know exactly what I am expected of and what I should do, how I should behave.
The decision to come back to England was a tough one to make and I kind of hated myself for being unrealistic. I was so depressed, I didn't want to look like a fool to everyone else and I knew people would talk about me like a joke or even judge and criticise me so I had to be very careful. The moment when I waved goodbye to my family when I was at the airport, I was actually scared. I didn't know what would be waiting for me except for a 17-hour flight. I spent the 17 hours thinking about my decision, my life until then, what I should do, how I could cope with my new life etc. I would not lie, I was lost when I landed in Heathrow. Will I regret my choice? Will I make any friends? Will I enjoy the course? the campus? the town? Will I miss home? Will I be able to take care of my own meals? What should I eat? What should I wear? .. And then the next thing I knew, it's been more than a month since I came here.
Ask me anything about my life now, I will say I really really like it. The other day we had this "what would you do if you won the lottery" essay in our French class, and I said I wouldn't change anything significantly, except for paying my own tuition and maintenance fees to support myself financially, because I love my life now. Even I was surprised by my answer.
I started participating in extra-curricular activities again, just like what I used to do back in high school. I still clearly remember how busy I was when I was 17 years old and how much I enjoyed being busy. I am not completely sure about that now, it is still the beginning but I think I will still have the same kind of energy and spirit.
So that's what I want to tell you! I will try to be more detailed the next time I see you. Have a nice day.
Yes, I first came to England last September, studying at a university in London. However it turned out to be a wrong decision, so I struggled through it, went back home for a couple of months, and came back to England again. And yeah, now a proud Modern Languages student at the University of Essex.
So how is it? Do I like it here? Will this turn out to be a wrong decision (again)?
It is amazing! Yes I like it here and no, I am pretty sure that this is not a wrong decision.
Some of my friends know what I have been through throughout this year and they told me I was crazy. Or worse, I was called a liar once. But now that I've moved on, I know exactly what I am expected of and what I should do, how I should behave.
The decision to come back to England was a tough one to make and I kind of hated myself for being unrealistic. I was so depressed, I didn't want to look like a fool to everyone else and I knew people would talk about me like a joke or even judge and criticise me so I had to be very careful. The moment when I waved goodbye to my family when I was at the airport, I was actually scared. I didn't know what would be waiting for me except for a 17-hour flight. I spent the 17 hours thinking about my decision, my life until then, what I should do, how I could cope with my new life etc. I would not lie, I was lost when I landed in Heathrow. Will I regret my choice? Will I make any friends? Will I enjoy the course? the campus? the town? Will I miss home? Will I be able to take care of my own meals? What should I eat? What should I wear? .. And then the next thing I knew, it's been more than a month since I came here.
Ask me anything about my life now, I will say I really really like it. The other day we had this "what would you do if you won the lottery" essay in our French class, and I said I wouldn't change anything significantly, except for paying my own tuition and maintenance fees to support myself financially, because I love my life now. Even I was surprised by my answer.
I started participating in extra-curricular activities again, just like what I used to do back in high school. I still clearly remember how busy I was when I was 17 years old and how much I enjoyed being busy. I am not completely sure about that now, it is still the beginning but I think I will still have the same kind of energy and spirit.
So that's what I want to tell you! I will try to be more detailed the next time I see you. Have a nice day.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Turning 20
It's been a long while since I last blogged. Not only I had nothing significant to write about, I had no time for it as well. But I am here now, sitting in front of my laptop in my room, knowing nothing certain about my future and life.
I haven't told anyone (except my two best friends) about my course and what I had done to my uni life. I didn't feel I need to explain because I am living my life, not someone else's. This is how I want my life to be, the only thing I feel apologetic, I am not spending my own money. All this great amount of fortune, comes from my parents rather than myself. Until now the only money I have earned myself was from the short Chinese-teaching job I had in London. Nonetheless I have quitted it cause it didn't adapted well to my routine.
However my life has been a mess right now. And I haven't got the slightest idea to organise it and to make it better for myself. I know of certain things which I don't like, but I don't know what I ACTUALLY want. My mum has been really prophetic on this. We talked over the phone a few days ago and she had (heartbreakingly, callously and realistically) accused me of splurging money on things which are obviously redundant.
Not true. Well, to some extend, true. This has been my notoriously bad habit (since I was young, again, according to my prophetic mum). But this time, I am pretty sure I won't regret doing this. It's just it has gone too complicated to be simply explicable. Although I am a loyal follower for sayings like "you are living your OWN life" or "what other people think of you has nothing to do with you", I still, think that I have to live a life that is acceptable and agreeable to my families and my (very few, authentic) best friends.
All these pressures, adding to the fact that I am a 20-to-be in a few months, have been really daunting. OK, I am a little bit exaggerated, but I really want to earn my own living as soon as possible, I don't want to just spend my parents' money on overly pricey (and unworthy) education and eventually graduate knowing nothing to do and having no plans about my future. I don't want to be such miserable. I don't have to be.
As much as I have been babbling about how good I will be and even though there are bullshits to others, I still think it's worth trying. Alas, I am 20, like others said I have nothing to lose, so if I fail after two years, I mean IF, I am still only 22. What if I try at the age of 25? or 28? That's too unrealistic.
Nonetheless these are just my mumblings and they are clearly not purposely written for a huge audience.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
From London With Love
I have decided to start a new blog so that I can keep on writing some silly and stupid stuff from time to time. I have come to London for uni all the way from home that's why I decided to write a blog.
I have always loved writing and used to write a lot back in high school. I even kept a blog before but it didn't last long until I got bored. Now that I have started a new life thousands of miles away from home, I finally decided to write something whenever I am in the mood.
OK it's been a month since I came to London. I have never expected it to be so fast. Everything is fine, and so far so good to me. I have been trying really hard to adapt to everything new here and I am pretty sure although I still can't fit in flawlessly, I am gradually sorting things out.
Uni is okay. It might be true that I really didn't expect a lot before I came, so I am happily accepting everything about the school.
The only thing that I had worried before I came (my meals and living conditions) is okay as well. I now can cook (some really simple food) and do shopping and stuff myself. Hopefully I am turning into an independent individual slowly. LOL.
London is a big city. But it's not that stressful or crowded like New York or Tokyo. This is why I actually quite like living here. Public transport is very convenient (though not very efficient), people are nice and well-mannered (considering it's a huge city).
If you're still reading, that means you are really interested, aren't you? This is the first post in the blog. An acceptable prologue, I guess? I will keep on writing and if you are interested, stay tuned! :)
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