Une réflection

And so it happens.
Graduation, ceremony, parents, friends, pictures, flowers, travelling, blah blah blah.
Suddenly I woke up and found myself back in this part of the world that I had become distant with.
Almost a month now.
And I wanted to say something, some mumblings perhaps, to ask myself if I were happy.
But I failed to enunciate a single syllable.

I have had quite a rough start.
I discovered that I might have a mental defect that I should have been aware of much earlier.
And it's stressing the hell out of me.
My friends are all scoffing at my weakness and I don't want to make a fool of myself.
They also aren't impressed with my plans - I am not doing the one thing I specifically came back for.
All these plans I abandoned - Berlin, my sweet Berlin that I gave up, I gave up for nothing.
So I want to be responsible. I can't come back for nothing.
Even if I fail, I will have already tried my best.
And then I will know I won't have anything to regret.

This boy has a dream to fulfil.
That dream is not going anywhere until I make it happen.

Wish me luck.

絕望 Despair

睜開眼睛 我看不見光明
閉上眼睛 我看不見黑暗
此時此刻
內心裡 點點滴滴的慌張
就快滲透出來
把我逼得喘不過氣

這不是充滿希望的季節嗎
可是當我看見一雙猙獰的眼睛盯著我看
我還是那麼的恐懼 那麼的不安
為什麼 這個時候
連費盡心血都覺得徒勞無功

天空很藍 那又怎麼樣
滿腔熱血 早已乾枯褪色
如果往後退一步 低下頭
就能輕易發現 所謂的夢想
已經被踐踏得毫無價值 在草地上
像個皮球被人踢向無邊無際的遠方

最後的最後 原來
沒有任何東西是想像中的那麼重要
我只好抱著我顫抖著的靈魂
靜靜地在一旁看著人們死去
最終輪到自己

I open my eyes but I don't see light
I close my eyes but I don't see darkness
Right at this moment
The anxiety in the deepest part of my heart moving around
Trying to escape from my body
And to strangle me effortlessly

I wonder if the season of hope has arrived
But when I see a pair of hideous eyes staring at me
I am still terrified and disturbed
Why is it that right now
Anymore effort feels just like a desperate attempt towards the inevitable futility

The blue sky doesn't mean anything
The ardour and passion have died out and faded
If I take a step back and look down
I can see all those aspirations
Like they have been flushed down in the toilet
Lying on the field
And kicked away to somewhere far away like a ball

At the very last page of the story
I realise nothing really matters that much
So I have to hold my shivering soul tight
And watch people die one by one silently
And eventually my turn

Hello, 2015!

I know I have said this far too many times, but I really have to say it again:
I can't believe how quickly time has passed.

I mean, it's already nearly the end of January 2015. This term will finish in a little less than two months.
After that it's a month of mysteriously hasty Easter break, then a couple of exams and then..
Suddenly we will be done for the year!
I am saying this from my experience from last year, it was all over in almost a flash.

Well, to sum up this few months, except for the busy life that I have to deal with, I have been quite fine.
My frontrunner placement at the Communications office has been great, learned so many things and gained a lot of experiences. Can't believe I am half way through my placement, feels like I just started last week.

Also I went to Spain and Germany over the Christmas break, visited Marta, Miquel in Spain and Sasha in Germany. If not for the sick in the last few days it would have been perfect. Eventually I went to 15 cities in 16 days, and at any point I didn't rush for even a bit. However I suppose I might not have to visit Spain for the rest of this decade. :) Now I can confirm that Barcelona and Berlin are contenders for my favourite European city, with the latter possibly squeezing down the other when I revisit (and maybe stay for a month) in the Summer.

So to sum out how busy I am, I currently have five responsibilities - Communications frontrunner at the Department of Communications and External Relations, president (and founder) of Multilingual Society, Student Ambassador at the Department of Language and Linguistics, Course Rep at the SU and all these while doing a degree in which I study three languages.

Honestly, as this year will be over very quickly, I will have one more year at uni and I will probably be left to my own devices. Can't say I am not scared - I really want to do my best to prepare for the future.

But who knows, Dios sabe lo que hace.
Quoi qu'il arrive, j'espère que l'avenir ne me déçoit pas. 

Guten Rutsch! 

Can you imagine it's already half term

I can still vividly remember, the day I was about to fly back to England. After three months of summer at home, comfortably, doing nothing, I was so worried that I might have a hard time adapting back to university life. At the airport I felt so strange to have to leave home again even though it was not the first time I did so, especially knowing that the condition with mum’s legs has gotten so much worse. Never had I felt so emotional before, so bothered and concerned about my parents. There was, for the first time, a slight fear of homesickness intruding me.However all of my worries and fears have been proven futile. I instantly got back into uni mode the second I arrived, handling accommodation, meeting friends, making new friends, changing modules and going to lectures. Even I was surprised by the comfortability and the familiarity I felt with everything. It came almost instantly.

Just before I started realise, it’s already week five and reading week for German modules. Next week it would be reading week for all other modules. I started working at the Communications department and the first day I went to work they told me it’s half term so there wasn’t a lot of people in the office. Half term. That means we have one and a half term more and this year will be gone in no time. You know if you sit down properly and count the days passed you’ll be scared to know that it passed so quickly.

I did meet quite a lot of new friends, some of them are really cool and nice. But I’m still looking for that one person, who seems to be absent from my life at the moment. 大王老師 read my palms before I left and told me twice about meeting someone in one of the activities that would happen in uni. I might be too dumb or that would be inaccurate because I still haven't seen a single soul of that someone that I would meet. Where are you? Please, I don't bite.
其實真的很難判斷到底是誰。我要怎麽看得出來啊拜托。

I am also trying to go to Germany this Christmas break to work as a helpx work but still no luck in finding a host so far. I really hope I could find someone before the break - if not I really don't know what I should do.

Finishing with this song.

Of Future And The Life I Want

I keep hypnotizing myself that this is still far away.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I don't even want to be reminded of it.

Sometimes we don't get to make all the decisions and I have just painfully realized that.
I might be too old to be naive, but I still have dreams and hopes.
Not actually knowing what I want to do in the future, I am always confused.
Do I want to live the life designed by some other people?
Will I enjoy what I do if I go on the path laid out by others?
I don't really have answers for them now.

I have always imagined that everything will be sorted out when the right time comes.
It has become clear that this unfortunately is not the case.
To be completely fair and honest, I still need to figure out a lot of things.
Sometimes I just don't know how I should face everything when I no longer have any excuses.

I am going back home this summer and trying to silently figure out the answers to all of these.
It's true that Asian stereotypes are still going high and strong - your life is not just yours.
It's also your dad's, your mum's, you are sharing your life with your whole family.
You have to take into account their willingness and their opinions when you make decision.

Will I live the life I want (but still don't know yet)? Honestly, not really.
Will I live the life others want (maybe I will like it too)? Quite possibly.

I can't believe I am turning 21 really soon.
I better put my shit together and not disappoint anyone in my life.

Good luck.

This Feeling

I am not myself lately. 
I don't sleep well at night, I wake up feeling fragmented in the morning.
I don't eat well and don't feel like doing anything. 
I screwed up my German and Italian tests because I was too distracted to revise. 
I am emotionless most of the time.

I don't really want to let this qualm continue to upset me.
I just couldn't help but feel that way. 
The feeling that a part of me nearly died and everything just doesn't matter anymore.
I wish I could stop putting on smiles around people just to stop them from worrying about me.
(or maybe no one actually cares.)
I feel vulnerable, and I don't like it that way.

This feeling is virulent.
It eats you, until you're not you anymore.
Until you're lost, until you don't remember who you were,
until you forget yourself, and all you can see, is the greater good.

I am really afraid right now.