Of Future And The Life I Want

I keep hypnotizing myself that this is still far away.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I don't even want to be reminded of it.

Sometimes we don't get to make all the decisions and I have just painfully realized that.
I might be too old to be naive, but I still have dreams and hopes.
Not actually knowing what I want to do in the future, I am always confused.
Do I want to live the life designed by some other people?
Will I enjoy what I do if I go on the path laid out by others?
I don't really have answers for them now.

I have always imagined that everything will be sorted out when the right time comes.
It has become clear that this unfortunately is not the case.
To be completely fair and honest, I still need to figure out a lot of things.
Sometimes I just don't know how I should face everything when I no longer have any excuses.

I am going back home this summer and trying to silently figure out the answers to all of these.
It's true that Asian stereotypes are still going high and strong - your life is not just yours.
It's also your dad's, your mum's, you are sharing your life with your whole family.
You have to take into account their willingness and their opinions when you make decision.

Will I live the life I want (but still don't know yet)? Honestly, not really.
Will I live the life others want (maybe I will like it too)? Quite possibly.

I can't believe I am turning 21 really soon.
I better put my shit together and not disappoint anyone in my life.

Good luck.

This Feeling

I am not myself lately. 
I don't sleep well at night, I wake up feeling fragmented in the morning.
I don't eat well and don't feel like doing anything. 
I screwed up my German and Italian tests because I was too distracted to revise. 
I am emotionless most of the time.

I don't really want to let this qualm continue to upset me.
I just couldn't help but feel that way. 
The feeling that a part of me nearly died and everything just doesn't matter anymore.
I wish I could stop putting on smiles around people just to stop them from worrying about me.
(or maybe no one actually cares.)
I feel vulnerable, and I don't like it that way.

This feeling is virulent.
It eats you, until you're not you anymore.
Until you're lost, until you don't remember who you were,
until you forget yourself, and all you can see, is the greater good.

I am really afraid right now.

2014

This is happening far quicker than I have ever expected. Unconsciously I have been unknowingly progressing into my third week of the year of 2014. 

I can't believe it. I can't believe this is 2014. I can't believe I'm turning 21 this April. I can't believe a lot of things.
I have a lot of questions I don't have answers to. 
What should I do?

A few days before new year began, I made a lot of promises to myself and made a lot of big plans just like every other year. I thought I could make a difference this time. Given that what I have been through, all those choices I made, those mistakes I committed and those time I wasted, I thought I would be wiser this time, would be more responsible this time. 

But I am not really sure about that right now.

I am in the university studying a degree I have no concrete idea what I can use it for. The only thing is - I like it a lot. I like what I am doing and enjoy studying it.

I am financially very dependent - in fact I've never been able to support myself financially throughout my entire 20 years of life - what a shame.

I have no idea about my future. This doesn't sound right and I don't like the feeling of it. 

I stopped blogging just a few weeks right after I restarted blogging, I stopped doing weekly budgets on my spending just a few weeks after I started doing it, I am not a very patient man and I understand that very well. This, however, is going to destroy me. I know that quite well too.

I might have been one of those smart kids in high school, being seen as a leader, socially active blah blah blah. But now, I am just a quirky weirdo who minds his own business.

From here onward there will be no walking in the park. I have been shouting to myself trying pull myself back together. 

What will happen? No idea. Let's see!

Happy new year!