The End of 2013/14

It's been ages. I know that. I just thought it's time I came back and wrote something off my mind.
Not intended for any audiences or for any entertainment purposes. Just an honest review of my version of events.

It's been a long and complicated year full of plot-twists, laughter and tears.
I started off as a rookie first year student transferred from another university and it actually went quite well.
I was so scared at the beginning that I might have made an impulsive decision, I should admit.
That was a very difficult moment in a very difficult period of my life so I took a shot in the dark.
When I came back to England last September I had this strange feeling of familiarity mixed with bits and pieces of hopefulness and despair.
I could have made another wrong choice, just as I have done - several times - in the past few years.
I am just glad it turned out to be quite fantastic!

Now that I look back where I started, I did have a tough time at the beginning, kick-started by the accommodation office and orchestrated by a guy who I would never see and talk to again for the rest of the year.
It was a long story which completely got on my nerves and haunted my- for days!
It all looked very unbelievable and stupid now.

The rest was just the normal stuff - lectures, making friends, societies etc.
I did make some true friends - and some fake friends obviously.
I later on had a position at one of my societies and enjoyed thoroughly. Thank you Model UN!
Went to Belgium, Spain and Germany, Liverpool and York etc. All those trips were amazing.
I even thought I fell in love, but really I was just being imaginative - and melancholic maybe.

Anyway, I am enjoying summer back in Malaysia and that's what I have called it a year!

Of Future And The Life I Want

I keep hypnotizing myself that this is still far away.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I don't even want to be reminded of it.

Sometimes we don't get to make all the decisions and I have just painfully realized that.
I might be too old to be naive, but I still have dreams and hopes.
Not actually knowing what I want to do in the future, I am always confused.
Do I want to live the life designed by some other people?
Will I enjoy what I do if I go on the path laid out by others?
I don't really have answers for them now.

I have always imagined that everything will be sorted out when the right time comes.
It has become clear that this unfortunately is not the case.
To be completely fair and honest, I still need to figure out a lot of things.
Sometimes I just don't know how I should face everything when I no longer have any excuses.

I am going back home this summer and trying to silently figure out the answers to all of these.
It's true that Asian stereotypes are still going high and strong - your life is not just yours.
It's also your dad's, your mum's, you are sharing your life with your whole family.
You have to take into account their willingness and their opinions when you make decision.

Will I live the life I want (but still don't know yet)? Honestly, not really.
Will I live the life others want (maybe I will like it too)? Quite possibly.

I can't believe I am turning 21 really soon.
I better put my shit together and not disappoint anyone in my life.

Good luck.

This Feeling

I am not myself lately. 
I don't sleep well at night, I wake up feeling fragmented in the morning.
I don't eat well and don't feel like doing anything. 
I screwed up my German and Italian tests because I was too distracted to revise. 
I am emotionless most of the time.

I don't really want to let this qualm continue to upset me.
I just couldn't help but feel that way. 
The feeling that a part of me nearly died and everything just doesn't matter anymore.
I wish I could stop putting on smiles around people just to stop them from worrying about me.
(or maybe no one actually cares.)
I feel vulnerable, and I don't like it that way.

This feeling is virulent.
It eats you, until you're not you anymore.
Until you're lost, until you don't remember who you were,
until you forget yourself, and all you can see, is the greater good.

I am really afraid right now.