Can you imagine it's already half term

I can still vividly remember, the day I was about to fly back to England. After three months of summer at home, comfortably, doing nothing, I was so worried that I might have a hard time adapting back to university life. At the airport I felt so strange to have to leave home again even though it was not the first time I did so, especially knowing that the condition with mum’s legs has gotten so much worse. Never had I felt so emotional before, so bothered and concerned about my parents. There was, for the first time, a slight fear of homesickness intruding me.However all of my worries and fears have been proven futile. I instantly got back into uni mode the second I arrived, handling accommodation, meeting friends, making new friends, changing modules and going to lectures. Even I was surprised by the comfortability and the familiarity I felt with everything. It came almost instantly.

Just before I started realise, it’s already week five and reading week for German modules. Next week it would be reading week for all other modules. I started working at the Communications department and the first day I went to work they told me it’s half term so there wasn’t a lot of people in the office. Half term. That means we have one and a half term more and this year will be gone in no time. You know if you sit down properly and count the days passed you’ll be scared to know that it passed so quickly.

I did meet quite a lot of new friends, some of them are really cool and nice. But I’m still looking for that one person, who seems to be absent from my life at the moment. 大王老師 read my palms before I left and told me twice about meeting someone in one of the activities that would happen in uni. I might be too dumb or that would be inaccurate because I still haven't seen a single soul of that someone that I would meet. Where are you? Please, I don't bite.
其實真的很難判斷到底是誰。我要怎麽看得出來啊拜托。

I am also trying to go to Germany this Christmas break to work as a helpx work but still no luck in finding a host so far. I really hope I could find someone before the break - if not I really don't know what I should do.

Finishing with this song.

Almost a Month Back in Essex

I really shouldn't be writing this now.

I have to read more than 60 pages of Le passager de la pluie, a story about a woman who got raped in a southern France small holiday resort in autumn. I think I am on page 24. Also I have to do two French listening exercises, prepare a Spanish essay test for next week, and finish the German model particles (or whatever it is) exercises. In short, I have A LOT to do.

Last year, being a first year Modern Languages student, I kinda slacked a lot. My modules were not particularly difficult, they weren't demanding and I didn't really have to do a lot to be able to cope up with my lessons - I even got a first in the finals and got into the Dean's List. I spent a lot of my time doing (voluntarily) work for Model UN society, where I was the fundraising and volunteering officer.

But it all has changed completely. This year I am challenging myself so I took tests and jumped a level in German and two levels in Spanish, doing all three languages in Advanced level. I leave every class with more than 20 vocabularies that I should have memorised in the evening of every day but so far I have successfully memorised 0 words. I'm also starting my frontrunner placement at the Communications department next Monday while preparing to start a new society. Therefore I can safely assume that I will be very busy all year long this year. However I am enjoying the huge load of work on me. It feels good when you put in a lot of effort into organising every day and really feel that you are actually learning things throughout the week. This degree is not for nothing.

Tomorrow will mark the one-month period since I came back to Essex. A lot has happened. I went to Paris for Yunni's wedding, became friends with new people, became acquaintances with old friends and also started trying out new societies, even sports clubs!

The only thing that I still don't get very used to is the fact that we now live in the Quays which is 15 minutes away from central campus with a very unreliable bus service. But there's a silver lining - I know someone almost on every floor of my building, everyone just sort of lives in House 5. Other than that I have fully pulled myself back together, attending all classes (14 hours a week) and cooking (pasta and some other easy food) and even started jogging (when I feel like doing).

To second year!

The End of 2013/14

It's been ages. I know that. I just thought it's time I came back and wrote something off my mind.
Not intended for any audiences or for any entertainment purposes. Just an honest review of my version of events.

It's been a long and complicated year full of plot-twists, laughter and tears.
I started off as a rookie first year student transferred from another university and it actually went quite well.
I was so scared at the beginning that I might have made an impulsive decision, I should admit.
That was a very difficult moment in a very difficult period of my life so I took a shot in the dark.
When I came back to England last September I had this strange feeling of familiarity mixed with bits and pieces of hopefulness and despair.
I could have made another wrong choice, just as I have done - several times - in the past few years.
I am just glad it turned out to be quite fantastic!

Now that I look back where I started, I did have a tough time at the beginning, kick-started by the accommodation office and orchestrated by a guy who I would never see and talk to again for the rest of the year.
It was a long story which completely got on my nerves and haunted my- for days!
It all looked very unbelievable and stupid now.

The rest was just the normal stuff - lectures, making friends, societies etc.
I did make some true friends - and some fake friends obviously.
I later on had a position at one of my societies and enjoyed thoroughly. Thank you Model UN!
Went to Belgium, Spain and Germany, Liverpool and York etc. All those trips were amazing.
I even thought I fell in love, but really I was just being imaginative - and melancholic maybe.

Anyway, I am enjoying summer back in Malaysia and that's what I have called it a year!

Of Future And The Life I Want

I keep hypnotizing myself that this is still far away.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I don't even want to be reminded of it.

Sometimes we don't get to make all the decisions and I have just painfully realized that.
I might be too old to be naive, but I still have dreams and hopes.
Not actually knowing what I want to do in the future, I am always confused.
Do I want to live the life designed by some other people?
Will I enjoy what I do if I go on the path laid out by others?
I don't really have answers for them now.

I have always imagined that everything will be sorted out when the right time comes.
It has become clear that this unfortunately is not the case.
To be completely fair and honest, I still need to figure out a lot of things.
Sometimes I just don't know how I should face everything when I no longer have any excuses.

I am going back home this summer and trying to silently figure out the answers to all of these.
It's true that Asian stereotypes are still going high and strong - your life is not just yours.
It's also your dad's, your mum's, you are sharing your life with your whole family.
You have to take into account their willingness and their opinions when you make decision.

Will I live the life I want (but still don't know yet)? Honestly, not really.
Will I live the life others want (maybe I will like it too)? Quite possibly.

I can't believe I am turning 21 really soon.
I better put my shit together and not disappoint anyone in my life.

Good luck.

This Feeling

I am not myself lately. 
I don't sleep well at night, I wake up feeling fragmented in the morning.
I don't eat well and don't feel like doing anything. 
I screwed up my German and Italian tests because I was too distracted to revise. 
I am emotionless most of the time.

I don't really want to let this qualm continue to upset me.
I just couldn't help but feel that way. 
The feeling that a part of me nearly died and everything just doesn't matter anymore.
I wish I could stop putting on smiles around people just to stop them from worrying about me.
(or maybe no one actually cares.)
I feel vulnerable, and I don't like it that way.

This feeling is virulent.
It eats you, until you're not you anymore.
Until you're lost, until you don't remember who you were,
until you forget yourself, and all you can see, is the greater good.

I am really afraid right now.

2014

This is happening far quicker than I have ever expected. Unconsciously I have been unknowingly progressing into my third week of the year of 2014. 

I can't believe it. I can't believe this is 2014. I can't believe I'm turning 21 this April. I can't believe a lot of things.
I have a lot of questions I don't have answers to. 
What should I do?

A few days before new year began, I made a lot of promises to myself and made a lot of big plans just like every other year. I thought I could make a difference this time. Given that what I have been through, all those choices I made, those mistakes I committed and those time I wasted, I thought I would be wiser this time, would be more responsible this time. 

But I am not really sure about that right now.

I am in the university studying a degree I have no concrete idea what I can use it for. The only thing is - I like it a lot. I like what I am doing and enjoy studying it.

I am financially very dependent - in fact I've never been able to support myself financially throughout my entire 20 years of life - what a shame.

I have no idea about my future. This doesn't sound right and I don't like the feeling of it. 

I stopped blogging just a few weeks right after I restarted blogging, I stopped doing weekly budgets on my spending just a few weeks after I started doing it, I am not a very patient man and I understand that very well. This, however, is going to destroy me. I know that quite well too.

I might have been one of those smart kids in high school, being seen as a leader, socially active blah blah blah. But now, I am just a quirky weirdo who minds his own business.

From here onward there will be no walking in the park. I have been shouting to myself trying pull myself back together. 

What will happen? No idea. Let's see!

Happy new year!